Sunday, 14 February 2010

Depression Hits

It seems as this is the only place I can really put my feelings over. I know there are many people worse off than me and I really wish I didn't feel this way and that the thoughts would disappear.

What's wrong you say? A build up of minors which my head is taking as major.

After having my op on my neck which I am now 150% better than I was 4 months ago but not back to how I was before, I have minor pins and needles down my left arm, cannot sleep on my left side (an added thing here) and everytime I move my neck it sounds like a bag of sand in it but, as I say, it is 150% better than it was.

Going back to the left side. Over the years I have had problems with my water works - blood in urine, left side pain and 2 years ago cysts were found on my kidney and ovary. I now need to book a scan to check my left side out as I am constantly waking up early hours of the morning for a pee and the pain is horrendous.

I miss my daughter terribly and wish she was here.

My work is so stressful at the moment that I don't know whether I am coming or going or if the company really wants me there at all and is making it hell to get me out.

And what has happened to my marriage and my husband. I feel that he doesn't even like me any more. Our sex life is non existent due the pain I am in and I can't remember the last time he cuddled me. He was the perfect man when we first met but then I was going through breast cancer and I suppose he doted on me.

We are both earning good money and where is it? The house needs work doing to it and my husband either cannot or doesnot want to do it. I seem to be the only one that saves.

Trying to go through the ups and downs of menopause without drugs is driving me crazy.

I have seen a naturopath who has given me a few herbs to get all my bodily functions back to normal so we just have to wait and see on this.

Even my jewelry creations just lately are not impressing me.

What am I doing on Valentines Day? Sitting here crying my eyes out and wanting to throw myself of the nearest mountain. I won't as I am hoping one day that things will get better, that I will be a Grandma and I know it will devastate the kids.


Tiges and Weince said...

I just read you entry Mandy & I wish I knew the right things to say. It's terrible when you feel like this, as a woman we all have for very different reasons. The worst thing people can say is "there are worst people off than you", well hooray to them I say, no one can change how you're feeling when you're down. You are exceptionally brave writing your feelings down, it was a very personal & touching post. My mum suffers with pain like you do, but has other health issues so I can imagine how you would be feeling, just sick of yourself. I hope you & your husband can get through this through talking it over. As I said I wish I had the righ words of wisdom for you. Be strong & count on your support base online & off. Take care of yourself Kylie xx

Ruth said...

(((((HUGS))))) Sending healing thoughts for you. Life kinda sucks for me too lately, we just have to keep on trying and hope that the universe (some would say God) has a better future planned for us.

Erin Napier said...

Oh Mandy. I wish I knew the right words to make you feel better but I don't ... sending you hugs though.


Kirsty said...

Dont you worry yourself, i'm going to be there soon and i will try and help make things better. We can have a good ol' chat and relax a little. Keep your chin up mum! Love you loads. x

ArtNomadix said...

Sending Love Light and Rainbows to you Mandy ! Hugs to you ! Hope things are improving today ! Megg

planettreasures said...

Mandy, so this is why you've been so quiet lately.
It's kinda funny 'cus i spent Valentine's day in tears as well - but I have no good reason.
It's understandable to feel down when you are so worried about your health and you are in pain. I know what a stressor your job is.
Can you sit down and talk to Barry?

Mega *hugs*!

Laane said...

Oh Many. I feel so for you. I understand everything puts you down, especially when you crave for a hug and he doesn't seem to notice.

I hope the doc find out what's the matter, so that's one worry less.
When your body doesn't work properly it has it's effects on how you feel.

Big huggs and know that you're not alone.
We women are strong and when life is at it's worst we still have a reserve, somewhere, somehow.


LPC said...

So sorry. I hope everything gets better soon. Maybe just putting it out there like this will help.

All Things Beadiful said...

Oh Mandy! I just saw this. I'm so so sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I'll keep you in my prayers hun. HUGE ((((HUGS))))!

Rosebud Collection said...

Walking is wonderful and I see you are doing that from your other reading..As far as the husband..sit down and talk..I would not let that go by. Don't keep second guessing things..get your feelings out in the open. Especially now. Don't let a wedge go between you both. If you have a good marriage, it will be worth the chat.
Will be thinking about you and hoping all will go well..
Much love and prayers. Rosebud.